There’s no right or wrong way to build a family, and everyone’s path to parenthood is different. There’s also no right or wrong way to tell people you’re going through fertility treatment. Today, we’ll explore ways to approach conversations about your treatment, and share tips on how to redirect negative comments about fertility care.

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First things first: You decide who you want to tell, how much you want to tell them, and when you want to tell them. Some people share the news early because they want to have support from the very start, while others want privacy throughout treatment. No matter what you decide, know that you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to, and you can always stop sharing anytime. 

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Besides your partner (if you have one) and a close friend or family member, there are a few people who should probably know first:

Who to tell about your treatment

Your boss

‍You’ll be in and out of appointments often, so it’s smart to clarify that you aren’t job hunting or chronically absent without a good reason. If you’re not comfortable talking about fertility with your boss, you can call it a medical issue — after all, it is one!

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Try this: “I wanted to let you know that I’m getting treatment for a medical issue right now and that I’ll be going to a lot of appointments in the coming weeks. Everything is okay, and I’ll be fine, but I wanted to make sure you knew why I’ll be in and out over the next month or so.”

Your primary care doctor and/or OB/GYN

‍Being able to share test results between clinics can be helpful in diagnosing underlying issues that can impact fertility. It’s also helpful to be able to talk to professionals who will keep your medical information private.

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Try this: “I’m starting fertility treatment soon at [your clinic name]. Do we need to share any info or test results with them? Do you know any of the doctors there?”

Your therapist, if you have one

‍A therapist can be a fantastic resource as you manage the physical and emotional toll of treatment. During moments of sadness or frustration, they can both remind you why you decided to start treatment and acknowledge just how hard it can be. If you don’t have a therapist right now, consider starting to see one — it’s a great time to process a lot of huge feelings. 

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Knowing that so many people are excited and rooting for you can really make a difference throughout treatment. While most people will be lovely, there will undoubtedly be some people who make ignorant comments or ask questions you don’t want to answer.

Addressing nosy questions and unwelcome comments

Money, sex, and health are really scary topics for a lot of people. Although it may not make a difference in the moment, reframing “nosiness” as “curiosity” can help you understand the intention behind invasive or thoughtless questions. Here are a few we've actually been asked in real life and how you might want to address them:

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Q: What’s wrong with you? Or is it your partner’s fault?

What’s behind the question: I didn’t know you were having trouble conceiving. It’s terrifying not to know exactly what’s keeping you from conceiving. Having treatment sounds invasive and scary. 

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How you might answer it: (Try laughing!) We don’t know, but we’re figuring it out. 

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Q: How can you possibly afford that? 

What’s behind the question: I know that treatment is wildly expensive, and I don’t think I could afford it. I’m curious about how you can. 

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How you might answer it: That’s a pretty personal question! Thankfully, there are a lot more options out there than there were a long time ago.

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Q: Don’t you feel like a science experiment?

What’s behind the question: I don’t know a lot about how IVF works, or I’m intimidated by how invasive the process sounds.

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How you might answer it: No. IVF is just joining an egg and sperm outside of the body instead of through sex. 

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Q: Isn’t it unnatural?

What’s behind the question: I’m uncomfortable with the idea of creating embryos outside of the body and/or I think an embryo is a child.

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How you might answer it: No. Why do you think that? Embryos are cells that can create a life, but they aren’t alive, and they definitely aren’t children.

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Q: What happens if it doesn’t work?

What’s behind the question? I know that IVF doesn’t always result in a child. I’m being protective of you and I don’t want you to get hurt. 

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How you might answer it: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, I’ll take all the good vibes I can get!

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A few tips when you’re telling your parents

The first child born through IVF was born in 1978, so many people can be apprehensive and see it as unsafe or just too new of a technology. In fact, as of 2012, IVF isn’t considered experimental anymore, and millions of people have had children through IVF.

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It’s important to set expectations — stored embryos, sperm, and eggs don’t guarantee a birth. IVF is a chance to conceive a child, not a sure thing. That said, we learn more about the science behind fertility every day, and success rates have risen over time.

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Consider telling your parents in person and promising to send them an email with all the details afterward. People process big news differently, and letting your parents read and digest the info on their own time can make a big difference.

Places to find support

Reddit can be an incredible resource when you're trying to conceive — check out r/IVF, r/infertility, and r/tryingforababy to follow along with (or chime in on) conversations with people on their own paths to parenthood.

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There are also great resources and support at reproductivefacts.org, which is the patient side of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, the leading nonprofit organization for advancements in reproductive medicine. Resolve from the National Infertility Association is also a fantastic resource for people looking for support as they try to conceive.

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Quick plug: The Gaia Community groups on social media are supportive, safe, and full of people who just get it. Learn more about the community and join in. We'd love to have you.

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