Expect more from your IVF

As Penny gets older, my wanting to give her a little brother or sister feels so heavy in my heart right now.
And I wish it was simple, but it’s not. It’s so complicated for us.
Ultimately, I want her to have besties for life like I have with my siblings, but there’s so much to consider.
Money/IVF/childcare/work/fear of baby loss - just everything. Having a another child comes with a whole whirlpool of challenges & costs, and that’s before they’ve even arrived!
I feel bad admitting that I am jealous of people who have had a simpler journey - no resentment, just a sadness that our life is more complicated. If you have these feelings too, you’re not by yourself :heart:
And PLEASE don’t think I am not grateful - I am more than aware that so many deserving parents don’t even get to take home one miracle. Penny is the greatest gift for which I am forever thankful & her big sister Amberley is who made us parents.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, when you’re little you have an idea in your mind of what your “family” is going to look like when you grow up, and ours is different from that “big family” idea I had when I was younger.
We have no plans currently to try again for all of the reasons I’ve said above, though those 2 little embabies in the freezer are really calling my name. And I just know Penny would be the best big sister ever. She’s so caring and has so much love in her little soul already :dizzy:
So yeah. Anyone else in the complicated world of IVF/infertility/growing their family, I see you :heart:
(Absolutely NO negativity towards parents of only children/“one and done” - Tris and I grew up with siblings so it’s what we know and what we’d like for ourselves)
#itsnotjustyou @gaiafamilyofficial

“Im sorry we need to abandon treatment your ovaries are no longer responding, your only chance of a conceiving will be with the use of an egg donor”….
We never thought this would be our reality as we never lost hope of what we originally thought our dream was.
We spent sleepless nights processing this news for weeks on end, but we always knew our dream and our end goal was to have children together, so we made the decision to pursue our path to parenthood via egg donor conception.
I found grieving the loss of my genetics very challenging, and it severally affected my mental health as I did not know to deal with this grief.  It wasn’t only the grief of loosing my genetics but also the grief around a dream I once had with Lee, the grief around my donor being able to do something I couldn’t do and the grief of the loss of a less complicated future for our family.
It’s a grief that is so misunderstood, a grief that is unspoken, a grief only a few will ever truly understand.
We felt so alone & so different
But we weren’t alone there was a great donor conception community on Instagram, that helped the dreams we never knew we had came true!
But 4 rounds of fertility treatment 3 tries of IVF with my own eggs & not a signal embryo, and one round of donor treatment, I now realise it was never my dream to have children I share a genetic connection with, but my dream was always to be their mum! My path to parenthood changed but my end destination and outcome never changed!
@gaiafamilyofficial #itsnotjustyou

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I reflect back on my IVF journey and I honestly sometimes think “did I really go through all of that”?
It was gruelling and it consumed me for years and years, it became my identity.
It was a lengthy and difficult process for us and even though IVF is common, it felt like a really lonely place to be
Isolating, all consuming and constant for nearly 6 years of our life
We did everything and anything
All the tests
Surgeries upon surgeries
Multiple egg collections
Medications Injections Supplements
Reproductive immunology
7 transfers
Recurrent losses
TFMR
Loss of a twin
Two London clinics
Embryos shipped overseas
IVF abroad in Greece
Thousands (we are talking high 3 figures!) spent
IVF is unique
IVF is hard
IVF is testing on relationships
IVF is constant waiting
IVF is not a guarantee
But even though IVF is one of the most difficult experiences, it really is quite amazing too.
I thank IVF for everything that it is, even if it’s the hardest.
After all my pain, trauma, years of failed treatments and transfers, it finally gave in to me and really did make my dreams come true.
@gaiafamilyofficial #itsnotjustyou

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This photo pretty much shows how I was feeling the whole of TTC and infertility.

There was a feeling of desperation every day and no matter what we were doing, or how fun it was, trying for a baby was always at the back of my mind.

After 6 years of TTC, 2 rounds of IVF, 6 rounds of DEIVF and 5 miscarriages, we didn’t think it would ever work for us, but we finally brought home our miracle baby boy at the end of 2022.

It’s strange how quickly the feeling of desperation leaves once a baby arrives, but I’ll never forget what we went through to get him and I’m fully aware that we’re one of the lucky ones!

#itsnotjustyou @gaiafamilyofficial

Throwing it back to exactly how infertility felt before my children for @gaiafamilyoffical - #ItsNotJustYou

“Tbh I still don’t feel like I fit in with Mum’s sometimes either.

Infertility is….

Feeling like you don’t fit in.

Do you ever sit in the staff room on your lunch break & listen to everybody talking about their children? Sometimes they even say to you ‘ you wait, you’ve got all this to come’ or ‘Are you sure you want a child?’ Even when I’m sitting on the bus on the way home from work & it’s full of baby buggies, babies crying & Mum’s chatting to each other because they have something in common.

I feel so out of place sometimes, I often think of what they must be thinking about me. They may think I’m going home to children? Or is she single? Or maybe she doesn’t want children? They would never think of the heartache I face every day with infertility & that I am actually trying to have a baby, but I can’t.

I have friends that are already Mums, I have friends that are pregnant & friends that having a baby is not in their plans yet, but I don’t have friends that are struggling with infertility.

I don’t fit in with baby conversations, school-run conversations, pregnancy conversations, going travelling conversations, career progression conversations & many more because my life feels like it is on hold.

”Did/Does anyone else feel this way?

@gaiafamilyoffical - #ItsNotJustYou

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When I saw the positive pregnancy test, I wasn’t worried about miscarriage. But it happened.

When we were told we might need IVF, I was sure we’d conceive naturally first. But we didn’t.

Then I thought we might be one of the lucky ones for whom IVF worked first time. But no eggs fertilised.

Even now, six years of trying and two rounds of IVF later, “infertility” feels like a weird thing to say. Perhaps because there’s a chance of conceiving naturally, I don’t feel like the term fits me. But we are considered infertile and realistically, we do need IVF to have a baby.

Admittedly, I never expected to be injecting myself at 7am in a car park though.

We had more luck after our second round of IVF. A freeze-all cycle. It was brutal, but we got three embryos.

It’s the biggest step we’ve made in years. I still catch myself questioning if it’s real - if they’re real - when I remember that we have them.

Part of me feels sad about how much we’ve changed over the past six years. How we’ve gone from feeling so much excitement about having a baby, to feeling overjoyed at having embryos. Having a chance. Our goals have gone from having a baby to making baby steps.

Ronan Keating’s ‘Life is a rollercoaster’ haunted us during our first IVF cycle. In shops, on the radio… it became an accidental theme tune for those few weeks and even now, when we feel knocked down (still waiting for the knocked up part), we sing it to each other. It’s become our code for “this is a low moment, but we’re in it together.”

People ask what infertility is like. It’s everything and nothing all at once. It threatens to change the future you always imagined but it’s slow and tedious and boring and draining at the same time. It’s always in the background, trying to dictate your life, but life continues nonetheless. It’s something to balance and navigate and it can overwhelm you in an instant if you let it.But it’s us, it’s created some of our best and worst moments, and we carry on.

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#itsnotjustyou @gaiafamilyofficial

"Your fallopian tubes are completely blocked. You won’t be able to have children without IVF.” - Words that changed my life in ways I’d never imagined.I had a laparoscopy expecting to be told I had endometriosis. We’d been trying to conceive for nearly 4 years by this point. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I might be completely infertile. I was expecting some ovulation induction maybe. To ‘just’ try clomid, and then it would work. In my mind it hadn’t worked before now because it wasn’t the right time. But instead, my world came crashing down. I didn’t cope. I entered a deep depression. I reached rock bottom - I didn’t want to be alive. I couldn’t imagine a life without children; I felt guilty for not being able to give my husband something he deserved so much. I told him to leave me.

It took us 7 years in total to finally get pregnant. 7 years of pain, saving every penny, tests, heartbreak and so much science.

Those 7 years were the hardest of my life. Full of waiting, with no guarantees. And before I started talking, it was the loneliest thing in the world. Seeing everyone else get pregnant so easily, whilst I was doing everything I could and seemingly falling at every hurdle.Finding a community was what saved me. Other people who just got it; who felt my pain; shared my anguish.

Infertility affects 1 in 6. It’s not just me. It’s not just you.@gaiafamilyofficial #ItsNotJustYou

This photo was taken in September 2018, 8 months after we had seen an NHS consultant about pursuing treatment, 8 months after I’d been told I was too old and too fat for IVF and my husband was told in the same consultation he had super sperm. We were going to meet our friends new baby.

One of my oldest friends had become a dad! These moments were navigated with thought and precision for us. A space where joy and pain collided in the same space. So so joyful, so sweet like honey for our friends, so sad for us because we could not help but think would this ever be us.

I asked my husband how he felt meeting new babies? He told me he didn’t like it and as our journey went on it got tougher.

As life hurtled on, our outcome didn’t change, we live to this day as a childless couple…we still navigate some of the tough stuff around not being parents, but we have also fully embraced the life we have. We seek joy where we can and we have been intentional in making a life we are so proud of. This picture from 2018 takes me back to a life that was painful, hard and full of heartache I’m here to tell you #itsnotjustyou this whole community is here.

@gaiafamilyofficial #itsnotjustyou

I froze embryos because my partner and I still don't know if we want to have children. I didn't expect the first half of IVF to be a walk in the park, but I was floored by how disorienting, overwhelming, and lonely the whole thing was.

I showed up to my retrieval in my WELL SHIT sweatshirt because that's how I felt - I'd done everything I could, we were at the end of the road, and now it was up to science and a little bit of luck. Afterward, it felt like everything went from 0-60 and back again in an instant, except my bank account was $28,000 lighter, my hormones were out of whack for weeks, I ended up with a worse-than-expected outcome for my age, and ultimately, I came out on the other side with two embryos and more questions than answers.

When I told people I'd gone through treatment, I found out how many friends and coworkers had been through it, too, and never told anyone. Some kept it private because it was nobody's business but their own; some were embarrassed to have something "wrong with them"; others didn't want to talk about the cost; almost everyone said they didn't think anyone else they knew had done it. So many of us have a shared experience without even knowing it, and knowing you aren't alone is powerful. I'm honored to be a part of Gaia and give people the experience and community I wish I'd had.

#itsnotjustyou @gaiafamilyofficial

When you meet your forever person at 15, but decide to postpone starting a family until 30, you spend half your lives together dreaming about being parents. When i’m a Mum. When you’re a Dad. When we have our family. Like it’s a given. Which is why absolutely nothing prepared us for our diagnosis of infertility…nothing. Everyone around us appeared to be getting pregnant straight after their wedding or accidentally! We spent our whole teenage years scared that even one time unprotected would result in a pregnancy. Then all of a sudden we are being told that it is very unlikely we will ever get pregnant without IVF, and our whole world is turned upside down (emotionally and financially). So ok, we need help. We’ll do a round of IVF and then we will get our baby right? Wrong!Not only do people never talk about infertility, but they certainly don’t tell you that it can take several stabs at IVF to find the right protocol for you. Everyone is so different and there isn’t a one size fits all treatment plan. Opening up on social media was one of the best things I could have done, because it allowed me to find the right information from a community going through the same journey. Which ultimately led to our son Taylor. Our 4th embryo transfer and our little miracle. Now he is 1, I realise not a single day has passed where I don’t feel the luckiest person alive. The fact that HE was the embryo that was meant to be will never be lost on me.

@gaiafamilyofficial #ItsNotJustYou

When talking about IVF, it’s much more common to hear about the perspectives of a woman. And whilst I can relate to their journey in many ways, I can’t relate to it entirely. In the 7 years of infertility and IVF that my wife and I endured, I feel our experiences were so different.

It was her that was diagnosed. Her that had to inject. Her that had to undergo egg collections. Her body we were counting on to respond to medication, or to hold on to our embryos. She had to carry it on her shoulders. She carried the pain of the diagnosis. They weren’t just negative pregnancy tests, but the arrival of her cycle too. No getting away from it. It was her pain. Her guilt. And for me, the hardest part was trying to support her through that. I felt helpless. I’ve always felt my role as her husband was to relieve any stress, to make her life as easy as possible and to hold her up when I needed to. But it was impossible. I was fighting a losing battle; I couldn’t make it go away.

The pressure was huge. Emotionally and financially. Every cycle was a gamble. A yes or a no. A constant flitter between excitement and dread. The excitement that it might be everything we ever wanted. The dread of trying to pick her back up off the floor if it fails.

My pain came from not being able to take away hers.

@gaiafamilyofficial #itsnotjustyou

If I could capture my entire fertility journey in one image, it would be this.

The hardest part of IVF wasn’t the pills, the injections, the early morning scans, the pesseries or the bruises from blood tests. It was the waiting—the endless, agonising waiting.

For 5 years it felt like the world was moving on while we were stuck in limbo, perpetually in a waiting room.

The wait for the clinic’s call. How many eggs? How many fertilized? Did it thaw okay? What’s my beta?

The two-week wait. The three-minute wait to see if a line would appear on a pregnancy test.

The waiting room. The hopes, the fear, the anxiety. Would today bring good news or bad? Or would we walk away & endure more waiting?

@gaiafamilyofficial #itsnotjustyou